I Can't Do This Anymore

“You’re not broken—you’re breaking through.” 

Exhausted, Defeated, Done— But There’s More to Your Story

How many times have you uttered these words? Out of exhaustion, defeat, loss, and pure heartbreak. These weren’t words I was familiar with until last year.

Quitting? Never.

I have never been a quitter; it generally never crosses my mind. When going through an assessment for a job I was asked to describe a time I quit. I struggled to think of something. While the board of people stared at me, my mind raced through everything - work, sports, injuries, school, working out, friendships - the only thing I had to offer was relationships, many of which I should have quit sooner. 

Sometimes we need to quit.

Before I go on, I am not saying this is a good way to live, that it makes someone stronger than someone else. Not quitting has been to my detriment at times, it made me stay when I should have left, burnt me out, and created more pain than I needed in life. I lacked the maturity and discernment of when to pivot or shift (quit) like an adult. I lacked boundaries and self-worth thinking putting myself through the wringer was proving my value as a worker, a friend, and a partner. Not quitting is just as bad as quitting too soon.

The ultimate quitting

There are a few times I have thought of the ultimate quitting. Wanting God to remove me so I didn’t feel the pain anymore - the physiological term is morbid ideation - this way it would prevent the unique pain that a suicide leaves with loved ones. I have had fleeting thoughts of suicide. I am not the only Christian to feel this way - Rebekah, Soloman, Elijah, Job, Jonah, and Paul - to name a few. Life hits us hard sometimes and it feels like the pain will never end. During these times I reached out for help, I had friends and resources that carried me through. If you need assistance, here are a few resources to support you, no matter what you're going through.

God, why do I feel like quitting now?

I have felt like quitting more than I ever have in life lately. Telling God, “I can’t do this. I can’t anymore. I don’t have the energy. I am exhausted. I don't know what to do.” 

As always, he answered me.

God's Answers

One of my favorite pastors (as you will learn) is Steven Furtick of Elevation Church in Charlotte, North Carolina. There are years of sermons that have changed my life. This morning, I pulled up “Too Grown to Give Up”, a sermon I had downloaded and not chosen to listen to until today.  

🔥 Listen to the sermon here.

He spoke about Moses in the context of Hebrews 11: 23-29 focusing on parts of verses 23-24.

“By faith Moses, after he was born, was hidden…By faith Moses, when he had grown up, refused to be called the son of Pharaoh’s daughter, and chose to suffer with the people of God rather than to enjoy the fleeting pleasure of sin.”

I won’t go into all the soul-growing, ‘ah-ha’ moments I had here (hopefully you will listen to it for yourself) but here were my heart’s questions and the answers I received:

1: Why does it feel like our entire life is a constant struggle?

Moses was almost killed as a baby and his parents hid him. Pastor Furtick called it Hidden Significance. Moses didn’t have a safe beginning, it was traumatic. God hid Moses to protect him until the time was right, allowing Moses to grow. Some of the people who have the most significant purpose to accomplish for the Kingdom of God go through the heaviest attacks at the formative stages of life.

2: Who am I now? 

I am going through a medical retirement board for the Air Force which has created an identity shift. I feel out of place; lost in the world. Moses was 40 years old when he CHOSE not to be known as Pharaoh's anymore and be known as a Jewish leader (Acts 7:23-24). He chose what he would be identified by - not his environment, his experience, or the events that brought him to that point. We get to choose who we are and where our identity comes from.

3: Why am I tempted to quit everything now? 

Pastor Furtick said, “You have survived too much to give up on this.” Why is it now, that it's so hard to want to keep going? It is because it's SIGNIFICANT.  Thoughts of quitting are aggressive when I am healing and growing closer to my purpose in life. The enemy offers temporary relief with quitting - it does not offer you freedom though. There is a hidden expense to quitting on a calling on your life, your purpose. I don’t know about you, but I am done wasting my life on the cheap stuff that this world has to offer for identity and purpose. I want to invest in something greater - even if it costs me a little more grit and faith. The quitting feeling means what I am doing is important. 

Let’s Keep Going

My dear friend when we feel the pressure of quitting remember that you are in the middle of something SIGNIFICANT. It could be your breakthrough, your healing, your freedom, your purpose, your dream - you just have to choose to focus on your future and not the current circumstances. Things will get better and what you find on the other side will be greater than you could ever imagine.

🔎Next week, we’ll gather some inspiration from the codebreakers in WWII and look at how we can decipher the patterns, stories, and systems that shaped us but no longer serve us. Think Bletchley Park meets soul work. You won't want to miss it.

💌 Follow along on Instagram @wildflower_sojourner or subscribe to the blog so we can keep decoding this together.