My Personal Internal Family Systems (IFS) Experience
- Hannah
- Aug 7
- 5 min read
Updated: Sep 11
You can't walk away when the abuse is in your own head. IFS helped me meet the part behind my inner critic—and everything changed.
“You stupid, BEEP’N BEEP, BEEP. You can’t do anything right, you BEEP, BEEP, BEEP. Why were you even born?”
The words were meant to tear me down. To let me know how useless and dumb I was. It wasn’t just name calling - it was torture. Beratement. Abuse. But I couldn’t walk away - they must be right, they know me better than anyone. I protested, “but everyone makes mista—.” I was cut off with another slew of words that were vulgar and demeaning.
And I took it. I carried them using them as motivation to never make a mistake again. Analyze, plan, review, analyze, plan, review over and over so no detail was missed. Miss meals, miss the gym - I had to perform. To make everything perfect so no one knew how dumb I actually was or would be mad at me for being so foolish as to make that mistake.
I didn’t leave.
You can’t leave when the abuse is in your own head
My inner critic was as if Samuel L. Jackson and Gorden Ramsey were combined as my brain’s drill sergeant with a good dose of school Marm from the old days - the ones that hit you with the wooden paddle…however they still would have flinched over language that flew around in my mind.
The thing was I really didn’t know why I treated myself like this. “Was I crazy?” I was exhausted from the torture and then the attempts to perform - only to never quell the criticism or judgement.
The past 7 years the critic hadn’t been “that bad”. I had performed well - it seemed at least to accept my performance as adequate only making minor jabs here and there. In a new environment it felt like it had been saving it up…and now, more than ever I deserved every moment of it. I couldn’t stop the panic attacks, I couldn’t focus at work, I couldn’t make rational decisions, I couldn’t stop this pain in my heart that crushed my chest, I couldn’t navigate toxic personalities…I wasn’t me anymore. I was gone.
What’s going on in your head?
I sat across from my therapist. Defeated. I had been sitting in a lecture about mediation and WHAM! The first loud sound made my body convulse and my heart raced. I told myself it’s nothing. But I heard “you are such a BEEP’ING BEEP, get yourself together.” I took a deep breath, trying to force myself to focus. WHAM! I jumped again. Rage came over me and I left the classroom and went behind the building to sob. I was exhausted from these reactions and the voice inside me tore into me again. I needed help.
She asked me “what’s going on in your head?” I hesitated; I didn’t want anyone to know the things I said to myself. I would never utter anything like it to any other human being. But I was on a mission to heal so I shared - the slightly diluted version. Instead of being shocked or disciplining me, she continued to ask questions, based on Richard Schwartz's Internal Family Systems therapeutic methodology (to learn more read Intro to IFS here).
My Inner Critic - an Internal Family System introduction
Through guided meditation I found a part. She wore a sweater, white with blue, green, and pink hearts and bears on it. She had her hair pulled tight, and her glasses on. But she was a child, a 2nd grader with a stern look on her face. I introduced myself and asked if we could talk. Then we asked some questions…
Why did she criticize me?
So, I would have friends. People would be proud of me. I wouldn’t get in trouble. I wouldn’t show the world I was stupid or irresponsible. No one would be able to tell me I was bad, didn’t practice or do enough, or that I didn’t belong.
Now, my critic wanted to make sure that I didn’t lose my job or my friends. She didn’t want people to reject us because they thought we were stupid, lazy, or incompetent. She didn’t want to fail and be shunned by all her high-performing, perfect friends. She didn’t want them to find out I didn’t belong. She needed to keep me in line, employed, and respected for impeccable, hard work.
Did she know how old I was? Did she know what I had accomplished?
We talked through these things - simply that I was an adult now and not a child. I had achieved many things in education, training, and my career that were deserving of recognition - not tooting my own horn - but to show there weren’t flukes in my life. I was capable.
What had happened that she felt she had to do this for me?
My father and some of the religious people I was around had introduced her to “performance”. If I did well, I was accepted, if I messed up, I was disciplined, ignored, shamed, and told to work harder. If I never made a mistake no one would be angry, and I wouldn’t get hurt.
We processed a specific memory I had of my father over disappointing him. It was hard to relive the memory and the feelings with it. But I met with the part and instead of being angry with her, I saw how she had tried to protect me from suffering the pain all over again. She was doing everything she knew how to love me.
What would she like to be called?
We thanked her for being honest. For sharing. I assured her that isn’t where we are anymore. As an adult we can let in who judges us and we can choose to accept that we aren’t perfect and learn from mistakes instead of living in them. She didn’t want to criticize, she wanted to be on my side, my right-hand lady. She wanted to encourage, to inspire, to support me in whatever endeavor we attempt.
The therapist asked, “what would she like to be called?”
Without any hesitation I blurted out “Lily”.
“Interesting…you know Lily means peace?”
What about you?
What if the loudest voice in your head could become your fiercest ally? What if the chaos wasn’t a flaw, but a map?
You don’t need perfect circumstances or spotless performance to start your healing. You only need willingness. Willingness to listen. To lead. To believe that the parts inside you are trying their best, even if they've been miscast in roles born of pain.
My free workbook, IFS – Build Your Team, was born from this journey—from inner critics transformed into encouragers, exiled memories brought into the light, and fractured systems reorganized under Self-led leadership. It’s a tactical and compassionate guide to meet your parts, build your unit, and lead your system toward restoration.
Because healing isn’t passive—it’s strategic. And you're not broken. You're a leader waiting to rise.
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